Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Know what's awesome about Atlanta?

The traffic.

It's so bad-ass to sit in it everyday. On every fucking street I turn onto. Oh, and also as an aside, those lanes that end on the highway? Yeah, try to get out of them before they run out, Labonte. And those big yellow and green things beside the roadway? Those are called signs. Read them. It really makes your drive much easier 'cause (and this is big) they let you know what's getting ready to happen. It's so tits.

Wait, what's that? It's a big city, that's what happens? Every city is that way? Aren't you in a car too?

Well see, that's where your wrong. Yeah I drive too but most cities have what we call civil engineers and a little thing the outside world calls "light timing." It's simple really. Basically, on major throroughfares (I think we can agree Peachtree or perhaps Piedmont would qualify, yes?) the lights are timed such that when a car is in the sequence they hit, oh I don't know, 3,4, maybe even 10 lights in a row. I know, it's mind blowing. But it's out there in lots of major 21st century cities.

Throw in a standard transmission car and nothing is more awesome than getting up to speed only to stop 100 feet later at the next light. And the next. Repeat process until you someday get where you're going. It's so tits. And I should add it does wonders for fuel mileage. But what would the government ever care about that, honestly?

I guess it's all part of Atlanta's grand plan to run me out. I'm sure many of you are thinking "well, Howard, if it bothers you so much why don't you leave?"

Don't worry, I'm a step ahead of you. Three years here I think is plenty. 9/24 would make it an even three. Tick-tock.

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