Friday, December 01, 2006

Worst. Flight. Ever.

Flew back home today on one of the worst flights I've ever been on. For you, dear readers, I'll tell the tale. And yeah, you could chalk this up to a wag of the finger.

So Justin, Keith and I meet up in the lobby all a little bleary-eyed from the late-night celebratory drinks. Got off to sleep about 3 last night. We got to the airport and somehow my 18A seat turned into 35D. WTF? Oh right, Delta changed our plane from a 767 (big boy, double aisle, fitting for a transcontinental journey) to a 757. My least favorite aircraft. Three and three, ya know. Like 50 rows. Oh, well. At least I was on the aisle.

Then we went to get on the plane. It was a clusterfuck. People apparently were unclear on the whole alpha-numeric numbering system as they were literally walking up and down the aisles looking for their seats. People were in the wrong seats. And everyone was carrying on like twin-size mattresses. Awful. Thankfully. Justin was one row behind me across the aisle and Keith was a couple rows in front of me. We laughed the whole time aat how it could have been any worse. I was terrified that we may have to emergency exit and I'd perish at the hands of these people because they didn't strike me as the kind of people who took note of their nearest exit. We were at least 15 minutes late pushing back due to Idiot Fest 2006. Then when we were wheels up it got really good.

Literally as soon as the seatbelt sign dinged off, like half the plane got up to go to the bathroom. I mean, did anyone think to go before they got on the plane? The guy next to Keith got up three times in as many hours! A couple people literally just strolled the aisle looking around. You know the type, bracing themselves on the back of your seat and waking you up as they flex it a good 5 inches. Which brings me to my next tale.

The dude behind me didn't quite grasp the whole "this seat is not made of concrete so when you push on it/kick it/drop your tray table at full tilt. etc., I feel it" thing. I gave him the quarter-turn, the half-turn, the three-quarter turn and even TWO full on stares like "dude, what am I, hard of feeling?" You got to be kidding me. Old fart.

A guy across from me literally picked his nose and ate the contents. Blaah!

Everyone who came down the aisle smacked squarely into my shoulder. The flight attendants were overweight such that they were constantly knocking into you. Don't get me started on the cart or my seat mates' food.

People were loud, people were rude, people were ill-behaved. It made Southwest look downright luxurious. There was even a stretching exercise complete with cheering led by the flight attendants. When Delta goes under, they'll know why. That shit wouldn't happen on American.

Then we literally locked up the wheels and skidded on landing. Complete with screaming. A perfect capper.

I sound like such a little bitch. I'm sorry. I did cross the entire country in a little under four hours. And for that I should be thankful.

Then I got home and after lugging my bag around the airport finally found the little shuttle thing for the parking lot where I parked. I had to take the shuttle to the "Park and Fly" since when I parked three weeks ago the lots were all full. I had lost my ticket so they made a whole big deal of the fact I'd been gone for three weeks which led to my having to tell the tale of why I was gone to all the yokels. They were very impressed. As the little van blazed right past the Park and Fly lot I knew I had made a grave mistake. Apparently, there are two Park and Fly locations. Wish someone had pointed that out. Turns out I was on the bus to the one that's really far away. Awesome! The driver woman was kind enough to take me back to the other location where I finally got my ride out for over $200.

What a day. I'm so not happy to be home.

What the hell am I gonna do tonight?


Blogger Tania Rochelle said...

I'd be scouring the yellow pages for a hypnotist who could help me block the booger-eater from my memory.

12:40 PM  
Blogger Howard said...

I was floored. He was feigning looking out the window but you can't turn far enough away to hide that. It was but one more thing at the time.

12:44 PM  

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