Monday, August 27, 2007

I can’t handle the tooth

You would think that after roughly 33 years of chewing meals—and I think it’s safe to say every single one of those meals has taken place with my tongue sitting right alongside my teeth— that I’d be aware that my tongue is there. And that I would avoid biting it.

And you would be wrong.

Because last night I bit my tongue with what criminologists call brute force. So I’m like a few bites into some delicious pizza when WHAMMO! I bite down on my tongue like a raccoon on something shiny. Like a gator into a zebra at the watering hole. Like a snake on a mouse’s head. Which is to say quite hard. I know immediately it’s bad. Maybe the worst bite of an entire lifetime.

And it is bleeding. A lot. And let me tell you, there ain’t no Band-Aid for the tongue. There’s only getting a paper towel and trying to dab at it. And marvel at how much it’s bleeding.

Being only like a few bites in, I immediately began thinking about what I would do if I couldn’t eat solid food. Would I get like a shake or something? Tough it out? And when might it be well enough to eat again? Can you get an IV without some sort of doctor? How has Sunday night all of a sudden gone so horribly wrong? What about coffee in the morning—will that be too hot?

Once I finally stopped the bleeding, I took a picture of it. I later had to go in and add an arrow since without the spewing blood it’s harder to spot.

In fact, now it looks like nothing. But trust me, it was something. Something I don’t recommend.

Oh, and if you haven’t seen this yet, you should.

Clearly, the children aren’t gonna end up being our future after all. That’s what we get for listening to that crackhead Whitney Houston. Such as.


Blogger biggy said...

At least this is consistent with South Carolina continually having the worst test scores of all 50 states.

9:54 PM  
Blogger Sherry said...

Omigosh, I'm sorry about your mouth. I hope it's healing ok. And, that video is pathetic. Actually, the premise of the question itself is pretty sad. I had heard the audio on the radio today but it's even worse with the pictures!

10:53 PM  
Blogger Howard said...

I've watched it like 50 times. I'm fascinated by what in the world was going through her head. Was it talking points she exptected to use so she went ahead and used them anyway even though they were irrelevant? Is she just plain stupid? Is there something brewing in South Africa I'm not aware of? What about the Iraq? What about the Iraq!

We stupid U.S. Americans.

1:19 AM  
Blogger Tania Rochelle said...

Howard, your mouth is much bigger than I remember.

7:33 AM  
Blogger Howard said...

It's LA, Tania. The botox, the collagen, implants—I got all that stuff now.

11:41 AM  

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