Saturday, September 15, 2007

An open letter to the Texas Longhorns


Take a knee. Some of you probably recognize me from the bronze casts and numerous plaques around campus celebrating my time here in the 90's. And yes, most of it is true. Except that part about the Jungle party in '95. But enough about what I've done for The University. We need to talk about what you're not doing: not beating the pants off b-rate programs.

Wake up! Start playing some goddamn footbal! Be the team you're supposed to be! You know Vince would punch each and everyone of you in the face if we was here. You know that. Except you, Bailey. You were hitting field goals left, right and center. And on top of that you're a Trojan so you're good by me. Here, catch. That's the game ball. Congratulations, young man.

But the rest of you.

You beat Arkansas State. Barely.

You beat Central Florida. Barely.

What's next, a squeaker over Northwestern Arkansas Regional College? A walk-off 60 yard field goal to beat Southeastern Idaho Tech by 1? A Division II school? A trade school? A really athletic bible study group who sometimes tosses the old pigskin around after their Tuesday "New Testament Night: The Night for Those Who Think the Old Testament Was a Bit Harsh."

They're not even Old Testament! This has got to stop. And it stops right here.

Let's not see anymore of this, ok? Except you, Bailey. You're still cool.

That's all. I'll be at Texadelphia if ya'll need anything.


Blogger Thomas said...

I could not have said it better! They are a very ordinary and non-remarkable team this year.

10:32 PM  
Blogger minus five said...

i'm trying to rest my voice after nearly 4 straight hours of yelling at the television. i couldn't believe it. and freakin' jamaal charles... he's so hot and cold. he runs over 45 yards for touchdowns and then turns around and fumbles the ball. that kid can't consistently hold on to a ball to save his life.

and how about the dumb 15 yard penalties for hitting players out of bounds? idiots. it also looked like the defense thought they were playing touch football.

rice shouldn't be a close game, but it probably will be. i'm going home for the nebraska and osu games and i have a very bad feeling both of them.

the commentators were also so annoying that i had to mute the television and turn on the longhorn band on my itunes to try and bring us better luck. it only helped slightly at the end of the 4th quarter. when we won by 3 points.

this is going to be a painful, painful season. i don't even want to talk about ou weekend.

12:13 AM  
Blogger Howard said...

We may slip past Rice but I have grave concerns about pretty much every game after that. Especially OU and Nebraska who didn't look too bad last night against USC.

It makes you wonder how much of our past success was because our coach was also playing quarterback and making magic happen. We've been kind of so-so since a guy wearing #10 hopped on top of a table in Pasadena as confetti rained down on him because he had just done what nobody else could have.

It should be noted I'm watching the Titans play as I write this.

2:13 PM  
Blogger minus five said...

i love vince and i miss him. i also miss the man i was supposed to marry, major applewhite.

last night i was on the phone with my dad as the bama/arkansas game was finishing up. he's a doubter of surprise endings, but not me. he was sure arkansas was going to be okay. i told him major probably had some sweet moves up his sleeve--even if he's only the quarterback coach. maybe mack should hire him for good luck. or just so i could have a reason to show up at "fan day" again.

at least chris simms isn't around anymore. that's the only thing i can think of that would be worse than our current situation.

and don't write kansas state off. that could easily be a loss as well.

my brother said the trash talking in oklahoma has reached a ridiculous level since the end of our "game" yesterday. i really hate the sooners.

3:26 PM  
Blogger me jeff b said...

i have to admit. i thought for sure my old coach O'Leary had you guys.

11:22 PM  

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