Wednesday, October 17, 2007

What kind of Facebook user are you?

As a service to you and, frankly, the world, your friends at Fascination Streak present:

“The Five Levels of Facebook Users Divided up Using, Naturally, Homeland Security’s Crazy-Mad-Easy-to-Follow Color Coded Terror Alert System.”

So let’s do this, bitches!


Your page is tricked out to be damned. You’re getting zero work done because you’re so armpit deep in apps all you’re really doing is playing Scrabulous, biting vampire chumps, taking movie quizzes, dedicating songs, sending drinks that can’t be drunk, loading up sexy Halloween costume apps, playing Risk, joining every network from your school alumni group to “bowhunters of southern Alabama" and basically doing a host of other shiznit that’ll soon make you sit back and be like “why does my page look like the front seat of a Sikh’s cab at the end of a shift and smell just as bad?” ‘Cause you overdid it, pal. You didn’t know how to say "no." That’s why.

You probably also have a “pimped” MySpace page you split time with. It’s probably got some crude image of like the Joker or Dale, Jr., or unicorns or something and it’s got every picture you ever took scrolling in like 25 different slideshows. It’s almost kind of cool if it didn’t take 4 hours to load. No seriously. No one’s making fun of you or forwarding your link to all of their friends and saying things like “check out this douchebags’s page” or “look at how fractaled-up this guy’s page is". If we do, we only do it every once in a while.

You're probably all up in Second Life and too.

And you’ve probably got like 900 Facebook friends. And of course you still talk to each and every one of them. No filler there. No strangers coming out of the woodwork. Not a cyber friend in the bunch. Best buds, all 900 of you.


Oh, you’re no stranger to the apps yourself. You got more apps than TGI Fridays and your page looks like someone dropped a box of logos on it. You’ve probably given a useless gift you’ve actually paid for and done some super poking. You’ve probably got the vampires and zombies apps going and are probably reading this while toggling back and forth between tagging photos and playing a little Pimp Game.

And you’re probably somewhere in the 300-500 range in terms of friends. You’re right, it is a contest. It's a popularity contest. And there will be prizes for "most friends" soon. An then everyoe gets Gap painter's pants and Microsoft gves $5 to kid's cancer research for everytime this email gets forwarded!

Come to think of it, remember that woman Donna who worked in accounts payable? I wonder what she’s up to nowadays. You should totally make her your friend. I mean, since you were such good friends back then and all. Come on, poke her already. Friends don’t just make themselves.


You got suckered in. You accepted a few old friends. You thought it might be fun to poke that cute girl that’s your friend’s friend. Then you superpoked her. Now you’re up to your function keys in aquariums and friend wheels and superwalls. You’re working weekends because your days are spent maintaining flimsy online relationships and adding apps. This is not what you bargained for but now that you got 150 friends you’ve got some obligations. Oh, look. There’s a superpoke now. I’ll let you get that. Just remember this….

The first one’s free, friend. The first one’s always free.


You’ve got a page. You keep up with your friends from college or grad school and a few friends you know now. Maybe you even added a couple apps before you realized you’re not 13. You agree it beats the bejesus out of MySpace but just like MySpace you’re still not really sure what all the fuss is about. It’s all well and good but now old girlfriends are finding you and so are all those friends that were never really your friend but now that you’re on the cybernet apparently you saved each other’s lives in the war. Yeah, I'm gonna have to go ahead and deny you, Leonard.


Face who? I’m still on Friendster. It's the best! And hey, you should totally join my LinkedIn network! Come on! How else are you gonna meet the middle management of the world? Join my network, it’ll be fun! I’m an assistant brand manager at P&G! I work in Cincinnati! I went to Kellogg! I went to Kellogg! Did you? Did you? I’m lonely. I live in Cincinnati.


Blogger krr said...

what about virb? I don't have a facebook profile, but I do have a virb page. I think I'm the only real person on there, though.

10:53 PM  
Blogger Howard said...

I've never heard of it but then again there's like 80 of these social networking sites so god knows.

4:58 PM  
Blogger Sherry said...

Now that I'm an official "member" I re-read this post and it is making me laugh so much! I think I'm in the Guarded category but it's tempting to try for Elevated Status!

10:54 PM  

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