Recently I somehow got caught up in all the hub-bub of a fantasy football league at work. I never asked to be in it but I guess it was nice of them to ask me. I love myself some football but could really care less about pro ball. I’m a college guy. And Texas is ranked #4 this year.
The trouble was, there were going to be like 12 guys in the league and the buy-in was $200. Two hunsky. Two big ones. Two hundred bills going right out the window in my case. I don’t know crap about who’s good in the pros other than like LT and a handful of others.
So, between not being too jazzed about the whole bidness and planning side of sports and not really liking my chances against a bunch of fantasy football vets (at best, my chances would be like 1 in 12—on a good day, with a head start and a tail wind a stadium full of hotties rooting me on with calls of “go Howard, go!”), I politely declined. And started thinking of more creative ways I could blow $200.
Here’s what I’ve come up with:
• Literally burn it a dollar at a time and post it on YouTube
• Build a papier mache Lombardi trophy out of singles, parade it around the office all season long
• Buy $200 worth of pudding. Ahh, yeah!
• Build 200 miniature paper airplanes, throw them down into a sea of humanity somewhere, watch them go “hey, money planes.”
• Drop it on the floor near cute girl who will then go “hey, you just dropped $200” to which I’ll nonchalantly reply “huh, would you look at that.”
• Miniature ticker-tape parade for handicapped GI Joe soldiers coming home from unnecessary, unilaterally-waged war. With real money!
• Hand it out at Christmas like a low-rent version of that dude in New York
• Buy half a share of Google stock
• Light 200 cigars while wearing a monacle and top hat, laugh demonically with each one
• Support a Sally Struthers kid. Forever
• Buy an electronic paper weight from the Sharper Image, have dollar left over since the price of pretty much everything there is “something-99.” Is that place still around anyway? If so, who goes there?
• Make a swear jar, spout obscenities until I’ve filled it
• Make a money hat
• Make a money broche
• Make a money Terradacticle! (no idea if that’s how it’s spelled)
• Roll around on it on my bed, realize I’m not Demi Moore circa 1993
• Break it into quarters, say “hello high score in Donkey Kong!”
• Break it into pennies, hand out 20,000 free wishes at a local fountain
• Break it into 200 Sacajaweas, complain about “what am I gonna do with all these Sacajaweas?”
• Spend it on my new sunglasses or some skis or 20 new albums
• Be responsible and apply it toward my $500 deductible and re-buying all my shi-at from recent burglary
More to come, stay tuned....