Friday, January 25, 2008

Now it all makes sense

For a long time I used to have a theory that something was up with Mariah Carey's left ear. Every time you see her photographed she's looking to our right. Probably someone told her she has a "good side" and she never forgot it.

But then again she could be missing an ear flap. Or have like cauliflower ear. Or some sort of elephantitis. Or perhaps something terrible happened on the set of Glitter. It's really hard to say. Mainly 'cause we've never seen it.

Go ahead, do a google images search and see for yourself. I'll even save you a step. Here's the first page of image results: She ain't got no ear!
Right? It's frikkin' weird.

Lately, I've started noticing something else. Only this time it's having to do with everyone's favorite train wreck, Britney Spears. Day or night, the chick is always wearing sunglasses. Always. God knows what kind of illicit pharmacy her body has become but how would we know since I honestly can't remember the last time I've seen her eyes. So, a brutha's got to speculate.

Has one of them gone lazy on us? Is it pink eye? A wandering eye? Double wandering eyes? Are they bloodhsot? Is she so hopped up her pupils are as big as ecstacy tabs? Are they missing altogether? Hard to say.

Or (and just go with me on this, people) has she gone blind?

I know, I know. It may seem like a stretch but think about it. She drives like hell. She dresses like she got dressed in the dark (blindness is quite dark from what I've heard). She always has someone with her and she's often holding on to them/being guided by them. She can't "see" her kids without supervision (again, prolly lots of sharp stuff around that she wouldn't be able to see). Her face looks like she slept on a cheese grater. She's kinda let herself go (can't see herself!). She married K-Fed. She's now dating a total d-bag with that chin hair thing. So you tell me, are these the actions of the sighted?


Verdict: Blindzo!

As a side note, you ever worn sunglasses at night? I don't care how good/expensive they are, it makes things dark! It's no wonder she's running over feet and blowing tires out there on the road. It's the same reason we don't let Stevie Wonder have a driving license! They's both blind!

One man's theory anyway. Discuss.

As an extra credit, if someone can send me a link to a current (and I mean like recent, recent) picture of Britney shades-less, I'll give you some sort of prize. At the very least a shout out in these here pages.


Blogger Ana B. said...

Since I love a challenge, I decided to try your extra credit thing. You can click here to check it out.

2:48 PM  
Blogger ButtonHole said...

This is hilarious!

But looks like you owe one ana b. a big ole shout out. And maybe some totally cool gift, something that would surprise and please her, something she'd be proud to pass down to future generations.

I'm just sayin.

12:20 AM  
Blogger Tania Rochelle said...

I don't know how you can be sure Mariah even has a head.

9:59 PM  
Blogger Howard said...

And boobs. There appears to be something protruding from her chest area there. Probably to distract from her missing ear flap.

7:08 PM  

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