Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Don't hate. Educate.

I'm no Geraldine Ferraro by any means but I'll admit LA has done one thing to me. And that's turn me into a total carist. And I'm not talking about judging people for what they drive but rather judging cars by how they're normally driven. I have no regard for race, age or ability of driver. Just car type. When I'm in traffic, based on nothing more than good old-fashioned vehicular stereotyping, I can tell you which lane's gonna actually move with a near 99% accuracy (non-scientific result).

I give you, The Fascination Streak guide to carspotting in LA.

Toyota Tercel/Corolla/ Nissan Sentra - Slow. Likely to come to near complete stops when making right turns, are in no hurry to get anywhere, and very likely have some sort of stuffed or bobble-headed animal on the back window shelf. Avoid if possible.

Minivan (any make) - Erratic but more than likely slow and unlikely to have any interest in catching some lights. Subtract five miles-an-hour from the posted speed limit for each kid's activity sticker on the back window and that'll give you their average speed.

Land yacht (any make) - Unless you see some cool dude at the wheel and that bad boy's purple and convertible, it's someone who's driving like you would if you were on the couch: slowly, widely and possibly with a drink.

Meredes C-class/BMW 3-series - Eratic. Slow then fast then slow then fast—ish. Also likely to make left's from the right lane. And multi-tasking like they've got four jobs. And they might. 'Cause I mean how can you be true player in a 3-series or a c-class? 5-series maybe. Exception: Armenian guys in these cars. They want pretty lady to hair sexy guy in Mercedes.

Mercedes S-class/BMW 7-series - Get behind these guys. They move fast and smoothly with little unnecessary lane changing. Tuck in and go. Just don't follow too closely however as their drivers often look to be the "gun totin'" or "gat packin'" type.

SUV (any type) - Reckless. Let 'em pass. People get all high up and think it's like a videogame or sumthin'. Exception: SUV's with kid's activity stickers on them. They drive slowly and unpredictably. Still suspect though.

Volkswagen (any model) - Probably the best drivers out there (non-scientific result).

I trust I don't even have to tell you to never even think about following any of these:

Delivery trucks
Delivery vans
Shuttle buses
Tour buses
Any vehicle whose driver you can't actually see over the steering wheel


Blogger dave said...

Words of wisdom, even for a car-less pedestrian like's good to know who to look out for.

11:30 AM  
Blogger Howard said...

Well, next time you're down here you'll know and can impress your friends with your local knowledge and efficient driving!

Part of me does miss the ol' car-less days though.

10:26 PM  
Blogger Tania Rochelle said...

You didn't mention Ford Tempos. The Mardi Gras beads hanging from the rearview mirror make it difficult for the driver to see.

2:55 PM  
Blogger minus five said...

i don't know, but it's been my experience that some people shouldn't talk about shit hanging from other peoples' rearview mirrors.

7:05 PM  
Blogger Tania Rochelle said...

But I drive a VW, so it all evens out.

7:08 PM  
Blogger minus five said...

except for the 364 days of the year that it's in the shop.

12:32 AM  
Blogger Howard said...

I think any car model that is no longer in production should be considered suspect for sure. For Tempos, Geo's, Oldsmobiles, etc.—all suspect.

1:41 PM  

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