Monday, March 17, 2008

An open letter to the state of Florida

Dear Florida,

Look, you guys have been a part of these United States for 162 years. We here at national think that’s long enough to start getting the hang of these elections we have every few years. But the last couple of weeks have given us reason to believe you’re not—man, how should we put this—quite up to speed just yet. We’d really like to see a marked improvement in your electoral abilities like frikkin’ immediately or we will be forced to exclude you from them altogether. Thems the breaks, people.

While we hate to pin the last seven years of utter disaster on you, it’s hard not to with that whole “hanging chad thing” back in 2000. How ya’ll fucked that up, we’ll never know. I think I speak for all of us at the national level when I say even though you learned nothing from your mistake and once again voted for dipshit in 2004 we all figured surely you could get your act together by 2008.

Clearly we were wrong. Way wrong.

We’re not entirely sure what part of “if you hold your democratic primary ahead of Iowa and New Hampshire, your votes will not count” you didn’t understand but something clearly got missed. Could it be your elderly population couldn’t read the small type? Could it be your relocated felons feel they are still above the law? Could it just be that you simply possess a disproportionate number of idiots, Camaro-drivers and tank-top wearers? It's hard to say.

What is easy to say is your votes won’t be counting in this primary season. Sorry. Truth is, we tried to be clear with you and Michigan but our current feeling is any state that can’t follow instructions as simple as “move ahead of Iowa and your votes won’t count” shouldn’t be allowed to vote at all. We hope you understand.

We do want to thank you for the laughs we've all had here at headquarters as we've watched you try to figure out how to pull off the first ever mail-in ballot election in your state’s history. Lord knows that’s the last thing ya’ll need to be trying.

And I think I speak for all of us here when I say we really got a huge kick out of your initial request for a “do-over” until we realized you were actually serious. Then we just felt sorry for you.

We’ll miss you in Denver but I’m sure we’ll talk again in November when you no doubt fuck up somehow and throw the general election to a 71-year old anger management case with a lust for war because you can’t punch your ballots correctly. Can’t wait for that!

Oh yeah, and your state is shaped like a penis. We’re just sayin’.




Blogger Alison said...

i understand your frustration, but in support of my birthplace, the penis, i would like to cite that this is probably largely due to the fact that 98% of the population is over 80 and the rest are wastin away again in margaritaville.

case in point- the only campaigning i see when i go home is for ron paul because he's for legalizing the gange or something.

3:52 PM  
Blogger Howard said...

Also let the record show my home state spawned our current walking-shitstorm-in-chief.

Look for an open letter to the Lone Star State soon.

4:27 PM  
Blogger minus five said...

howard, never admit defeat. remember the freakin' alamo.

9:07 PM  
Blogger Alison said...

that's the thing, i think. florida kind of goes in it defeated. it's too much energy and soberness to actually pay attention to what you're doing down there-- from driving to crossing the street in your motorized wheelchair.

3:47 PM  

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