Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Half lucky

A scene from my visit this morning to the new LA dentist for a little teeth cleaning (I know, I've been here a year and I'm just now going to get them cleaned. I guess I got busy and it wasn't like my old dentist was calling to remind me. Last time, I promise).

Let's do this!

OPEN ON ME LAYING IN THE DENTIST'S OFFICE CHAIR AS THE DENTAL HYGIENIST SCRAPES ABOUT MY MOUTH.

DENTAL HYGIENIST: Hmm, you know you've got a little recession on a few of your gums here.

ME: Yeah, I'm doing everything I can about that. I'm flossin' like crazy and I even got a new super-duper power brush for my birthday. I'm also prayin'.

DENTAL HYGIENIST: It could be your gums are receding because you grind your teeth a bit when you sleep. Have you heard that?

ME: I have. But I suppose I tend not to notice on account of, you know, being asleep and all.

PRETTY SURE THERE WAS SOME LAUGHTER HERE.

DENTAL HYGIENIST: You know you're missing a tooth here on the lower left.

ME: Yeah, I had a nasty childhood bike wreck. Broke my jaw, the whole nine yards.

DENTAL HYGIENIST: Looks like the braces you wore might have pulled the gap a little closer though.

ME: Yeah, I remember going in for a few "tightenings." There was also something we called a "headgear." That gap didn't stand a chance.

DENTAL HYGIENIST: It looks like you might have a cavity on your back molar here. Or it could be a scuff or an indention from the removal of your wisdom teeth.

ME: Yeah, it's probably that second scenario because mine were the kind they call "impacted." There was a mallet involved.

DENTAL HYGIENIST: Well OK, I'm all done here so I'm gonna have the doctor come over and catalog your fillings.

ME: Catalog, huh? You make it sound like a project. They told me when I was a kid, right before they applied a sealant to my teeth, that the reason I had like 13 cavities was that I had really deep grooves in my teeth. Unlucky break I guess. But what can you do?

A 30-45 SECOND SILENCE PASSES AS I LAY THERE, RECLINED IN THAT BIG VINYL SPACESHIP CHAIR JUST IMAGINING THE LITTLE HANDS IN HER HEAD AS THEY SLOWLY PUT THE PIECES OF MY DENTAL HISTORY TOGETHER, THE LOOK ON HER FACE EVENTUALLY LETTING ME KNOW THEY WERE FINISHED.

ME: My eyes are damn near perfect though. Like 20/20.

And scene.

3 Comments:

Blogger minus five said...

i miss the times when my parents took care of booking my dental care.

does anybody not grind their teeth when they're asleep?

3:54 PM  
Blogger krr said...

You and your stupid theory about teeth vs. eyes. I must need to be taken out back and shot since I have fillings and I wear glasses.

8:00 AM  
Blogger Howard said...

Again, these are the dangers of posting something more than once a month. You might get called out for going back to the well for some old material.

And Sarah, yes, I think most everyone grinds their teeth to some degree.

4:18 PM  

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