Saturday, August 30, 2008

McCain calls Palin to offer her the job

SFX: Phone ringing

PALIN: Will someone get that? Hel-lo? Fine, I'll get it. Hello?

MCCAIN: Sarah, this is John McCain.

SFX: Baby wailing, kids screaming, something shattering. More kids screaming.

PALIN: Who?

MCCAIN:
John McCain. We met about six months ago. At that Governor's conference. On the rope line.

PALIN: Oh hi, John. Can you hang on a second?

MCCAIN: Sure, I guess.

PALIN: (phone partially covered) You guys be quiet! This is an important call for mommy. It's about a job. (phone uncovered) I'm sorry, Senator, these kids are out of control! Arrrr, right! Now, what were you saying?

MCCAIN: I was calling to see if you would like to be my vice president.

PALIN: You realize I'm just the governor of one of our least populated states, right?

MCCAIN: Yes.

PALIN: Our largest city is 260,000 people.

MCCAIN: Really?

PALIN: That would be like if Texas' largest city was Lubbock.

MCCAIN: Damn.

PALIN: Yeah, and before I was elected governor 20 months ago, I was mayor of a town that had a population of less than 9,000 people.

MCCAIN: Christ, that's more like a village than a town.

PALIN: Oh, and I've got five kids—one of whom was born like 4 months ago. That's a newborn, to you and I.

MCCAIN: (under his breath) Who the hell is doing my vetting?

PALIN: What was that?

MCCAIN: Nothing. I said wedding. I'm watching...a wedding...on TV. (under his breath) Jesus, McCain. Keep it together.

PALIN: Uhhm, OK. And I take it you've already called Harriet.

MCCAIN: Who?

PALIN: Harriet Miers. You know, Bush's nominee for the Supreme Court that had like zero experience too.

MCCAIN: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, you want the gig or not? I need a young, good-looking lady to sucker those Hillary die-hards into surrendering all they believe in to vote for us solely because you're a woman. Oh, and evangelicals and the "America's Got Talent" crowd will eat up your hardline views and PTA-member-made-good story.

PALIN: Sure, I guess I can do it. The next couple of months look pretty open for me.

MCCAIN:
The next four years, you mean.

PALIN: Oh, riiiight....

MCCAIN: Well, great. Just meet me in Dayton tomorrow.

PALIN: This is so exciting, I've never been to Missouri!

MCCAIN: It's in Ohio.

PALIN: Right.

4 Comments:

Blogger ButtonHole said...

fab.yoo.lous.!!!

12:03 PM  
Blogger krr said...

You know, my parents are coming for a visit this week. I'm going to be with the 24/7 for 5 days straight. I'm so incredibly interested in knowing what they're thinking about the whole VP choice, but I know I shouldn't bring it up. I'm dying to know, I tell you, I'm dying! Unfortunately, they probably haven't thought much about it because when you live in Texas, you vote Republican. Isn't that how it goes?

12:32 PM  
Blogger krr said...

MAN!!! It keeps getting better! The daughter is pregs!! I'm sure the super-conservatives will find some way to excuse it just the way my dad came up with excuses when Rush Limbaugh was on drugs. So funny!!

1:10 PM  
Blogger Howard said...

No way! I hadn't even read that yet. Awesome!

2:50 PM  

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