Monday, August 25, 2008

Don't mess around when you get to the Showcase Showdown

To the people who are saying they’ll vote for McCain because Hillary didn’t win the democratic primary, I say do it. Gamble on showcase two that you just know is gonna be a three-piece dining room set that every time you see it in the garage will make you go "damn, we could have gone to Hawaii and still had a pair of jet skis when we got home."

Go on and do it. Vote for McCain. Or don't vote at all. That’ll show Obama who’s boss. Real mature decision there. Hillary and McCain are about as similar as a hundred dollar bill and a punch in the nose. By Mike Tyson. Pre-prison Tyson. But post breakup with Robin Givens Tyson. Like immediately just after the breakup Tyson. Oh, and he just got stung by a bee. Weird, I know.

They're different. That's all I'm sayin'.

But just for kicks, here’s a little snapshot of what that rash decision will get you!

• More wars. Lots more. Motherfucker said it himself! Iran, Syria, North Korea, Russia. You name it. He's gunning for it. The dude spent five years in a Vietnamese prison camp and by god, someone’s gonna pay for that. Of course, no one more than that Obama. After what he did to Hillary!

• Tax cuts for all the wrong people! Tax cuts for the people who need them the least but who could also contribute the most when taxed: massive corporations and the uber-rich. But hell, maybe we’ll be the first to find a magical way to finance a never-ending war by cutting taxes! After we defeat terror we'll go after meanness! But, I tell ya, if you think your life is expensive now, just wait! Four years of this guy and your kids will someday think your life looked like goddamn Disneyland compared to what they’re gonna be dealing with. But hey, that Obama totally cheated when he focused on the small states!

• Spiraling, out-of-control deficits! Considering our country’s books have been run like Enron’s the last 8 years, expect to see some more squirrely shit after another four years of shell game economics. You know there's already a closet-full of credit card receipts somewhere up in the Lincoln bedroom. But hey, anyone as wealthy as McCain has to be good with money, right? Dude's rich! But not like that elitist Obama!

• More oil in more places with absolutely no search for an alternative! Like a crackhead smoking a vacuum cleaner bag, they’ll find more of it. Trust me. What you got there, a national park? A grassy hillside? A school? A park? Trees? Your house? Well now you got an oil well! And $14.99 gas! But hey, it's still not $15! 'Cause then we'd have to—cough, cough, cough. Just remember, you’re sticking it to Obama. Not yourself.

• Affordable healthcare? Shiiiiiiit. Best not get sick for the next four years is my advice. ‘Cause it ain’t gonna get any cheaper, that's for damn sure. So take that Obama! I’m paying twice as much to stay healthy!

• Science? Who needs that when you’ve got “god” making the decisions. Oh, I also heard Obama’s a muslim. In fact, I think it was Hillary who hinted as much.

• International relations? You know those few people still out there who like Americans but understand we all make mistakes and elect a dipshit to the throne…twice? Yeah, they may be forgiving but not that forgiving. Total isolation! Awesome! The world that liked our parents and grandparents frikkin’ hates us! Hoo-ray! Take that, Obama.

But wait, there’s more!

You can also look forward to spending the rest of your life under an oppressively conservative Supreme Court! Never make another private phone call! Let decisions about your own body be made by the court! ‘Cause if you think McCain is gonna replace John Paul Stevens or whoever goes next with someone anywhere left of Scalia or Roberts, you’re out of your fucking mind. The religious right hand is gonna be so far up his ass it’s gonna be like "Footloose" up in here. And I don't mean the dance scene where there's like never-ending confetti and Kevin Bacon is cold brrrrringing it on the dance floor. Dude had moves, didn't he! No, this will be like the townspeople burning books as they repeal and oppose the rights the rest of us hold self-evident. But then whatever helps them feel better while they’re out gambling (Bill Bennett), blowing guy’s in airport bathrooms (Larry Craig), blowing guy’s in public parks (Bob Allen), molesting pages (Mark Foley), popping pills (Rush Limbaugh), having meth-fueled sex with male escorts (Ted Haggart), etc. Not the kind of people in any positions to make judgments or decide what’s morally “right” if you ask me. Oh yeah, I’m sure you know this but those appointments they hand out to those cats are for frikkin' life! Like 'til they die. But boy, that’ll teach that Obama to mess with the Clintons!

Think it through before you go doin' something you'll regret. Take the showcase you know will make your life better. Not the one you think will stiff the other guy the most.


Blogger minus five said...

i don't think anyone can argue with you howard. you made all of your points.

and besides, college football is starting. isn't that a better place to focus your insanity and unrealistic couch talk?

2:22 AM  

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