Saturday, August 30, 2008

McCain calls Palin to offer her the job

SFX: Phone ringing

PALIN: Will someone get that? Hel-lo? Fine, I'll get it. Hello?

MCCAIN: Sarah, this is John McCain.

SFX: Baby wailing, kids screaming, something shattering. More kids screaming.

PALIN: Who?

MCCAIN:
John McCain. We met about six months ago. At that Governor's conference. On the rope line.

PALIN: Oh hi, John. Can you hang on a second?

MCCAIN: Sure, I guess.

PALIN: (phone partially covered) You guys be quiet! This is an important call for mommy. It's about a job. (phone uncovered) I'm sorry, Senator, these kids are out of control! Arrrr, right! Now, what were you saying?

MCCAIN: I was calling to see if you would like to be my vice president.

PALIN: You realize I'm just the governor of one of our least populated states, right?

MCCAIN: Yes.

PALIN: Our largest city is 260,000 people.

MCCAIN: Really?

PALIN: That would be like if Texas' largest city was Lubbock.

MCCAIN: Damn.

PALIN: Yeah, and before I was elected governor 20 months ago, I was mayor of a town that had a population of less than 9,000 people.

MCCAIN: Christ, that's more like a village than a town.

PALIN: Oh, and I've got five kids—one of whom was born like 4 months ago. That's a newborn, to you and I.

MCCAIN: (under his breath) Who the hell is doing my vetting?

PALIN: What was that?

MCCAIN: Nothing. I said wedding. I'm watching...a wedding...on TV. (under his breath) Jesus, McCain. Keep it together.

PALIN: Uhhm, OK. And I take it you've already called Harriet.

MCCAIN: Who?

PALIN: Harriet Miers. You know, Bush's nominee for the Supreme Court that had like zero experience too.

MCCAIN: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, you want the gig or not? I need a young, good-looking lady to sucker those Hillary die-hards into surrendering all they believe in to vote for us solely because you're a woman. Oh, and evangelicals and the "America's Got Talent" crowd will eat up your hardline views and PTA-member-made-good story.

PALIN: Sure, I guess I can do it. The next couple of months look pretty open for me.

MCCAIN:
The next four years, you mean.

PALIN: Oh, riiiight....

MCCAIN: Well, great. Just meet me in Dayton tomorrow.

PALIN: This is so exciting, I've never been to Missouri!

MCCAIN: It's in Ohio.

PALIN: Right.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Scratch that

Hillary gave a hell of a speech tonight. And I think managed to suture up any rifts there may have been as far as I'm concerned.

"Were you in this just for me?"

A simple thought that neatly turned it all around. I'm sure there are people out there who will still do something rash but I like where things ended up. The legislative branch may very well be hers after tonight.

Perhaps she even saw a bit of herself in Ted Kennedy the night before. 'Cause I saw it.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Don't mess around when you get to the Showcase Showdown

To the people who are saying they’ll vote for McCain because Hillary didn’t win the democratic primary, I say do it. Gamble on showcase two that you just know is gonna be a three-piece dining room set that every time you see it in the garage will make you go "damn, we could have gone to Hawaii and still had a pair of jet skis when we got home."

Go on and do it. Vote for McCain. Or don't vote at all. That’ll show Obama who’s boss. Real mature decision there. Hillary and McCain are about as similar as a hundred dollar bill and a punch in the nose. By Mike Tyson. Pre-prison Tyson. But post breakup with Robin Givens Tyson. Like immediately just after the breakup Tyson. Oh, and he just got stung by a bee. Weird, I know.

They're different. That's all I'm sayin'.

But just for kicks, here’s a little snapshot of what that rash decision will get you!

• More wars. Lots more. Motherfucker said it himself! Iran, Syria, North Korea, Russia. You name it. He's gunning for it. The dude spent five years in a Vietnamese prison camp and by god, someone’s gonna pay for that. Of course, no one more than that Obama. After what he did to Hillary!

• Tax cuts for all the wrong people! Tax cuts for the people who need them the least but who could also contribute the most when taxed: massive corporations and the uber-rich. But hell, maybe we’ll be the first to find a magical way to finance a never-ending war by cutting taxes! After we defeat terror we'll go after meanness! But, I tell ya, if you think your life is expensive now, just wait! Four years of this guy and your kids will someday think your life looked like goddamn Disneyland compared to what they’re gonna be dealing with. But hey, that Obama totally cheated when he focused on the small states!

• Spiraling, out-of-control deficits! Considering our country’s books have been run like Enron’s the last 8 years, expect to see some more squirrely shit after another four years of shell game economics. You know there's already a closet-full of credit card receipts somewhere up in the Lincoln bedroom. But hey, anyone as wealthy as McCain has to be good with money, right? Dude's rich! But not like that elitist Obama!

• More oil in more places with absolutely no search for an alternative! Like a crackhead smoking a vacuum cleaner bag, they’ll find more of it. Trust me. What you got there, a national park? A grassy hillside? A school? A park? Trees? Your house? Well now you got an oil well! And $14.99 gas! But hey, it's still not $15! 'Cause then we'd have to—cough, cough, cough. Just remember, you’re sticking it to Obama. Not yourself.

• Affordable healthcare? Shiiiiiiit. Best not get sick for the next four years is my advice. ‘Cause it ain’t gonna get any cheaper, that's for damn sure. So take that Obama! I’m paying twice as much to stay healthy!

• Science? Who needs that when you’ve got “god” making the decisions. Oh, I also heard Obama’s a muslim. In fact, I think it was Hillary who hinted as much.

• International relations? You know those few people still out there who like Americans but understand we all make mistakes and elect a dipshit to the throne…twice? Yeah, they may be forgiving but not that forgiving. Total isolation! Awesome! The world that liked our parents and grandparents frikkin’ hates us! Hoo-ray! Take that, Obama.

But wait, there’s more!

You can also look forward to spending the rest of your life under an oppressively conservative Supreme Court! Never make another private phone call! Let decisions about your own body be made by the court! ‘Cause if you think McCain is gonna replace John Paul Stevens or whoever goes next with someone anywhere left of Scalia or Roberts, you’re out of your fucking mind. The religious right hand is gonna be so far up his ass it’s gonna be like "Footloose" up in here. And I don't mean the dance scene where there's like never-ending confetti and Kevin Bacon is cold brrrrringing it on the dance floor. Dude had moves, didn't he! No, this will be like the townspeople burning books as they repeal and oppose the rights the rest of us hold self-evident. But then whatever helps them feel better while they’re out gambling (Bill Bennett), blowing guy’s in airport bathrooms (Larry Craig), blowing guy’s in public parks (Bob Allen), molesting pages (Mark Foley), popping pills (Rush Limbaugh), having meth-fueled sex with male escorts (Ted Haggart), etc. Not the kind of people in any positions to make judgments or decide what’s morally “right” if you ask me. Oh yeah, I’m sure you know this but those appointments they hand out to those cats are for frikkin' life! Like 'til they die. But boy, that’ll teach that Obama to mess with the Clintons!

Think it through before you go doin' something you'll regret. Take the showcase you know will make your life better. Not the one you think will stiff the other guy the most.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

A few words on advertising

I read an article yesterday morning on Ad Week about the political ads that are running on the Olympics and what colossal failures they are. I couldn’t agree more. Here we are, watching the best of humankind—countries from all over the world coming together in peace to watch athletes do things we can only dream of. Then we go to commercial and watch ads like the stellar Visa work and Coke work and Nike work which gives me goosebumps. Then all of a sudden I’m being subjected to these crap ads about economic bullet points or why a 72 year-old curmudgeon with a short temper is “ready to lead.” Whoopity-do, I say. Seems to me if you’re gonna pony up for Olympic air time you might want to also pony up for Olympic-caliber ads.

This is the greatest country in the world with not only a rich Olympic history but a rich history. This is the best damn product in the world with 300 million loyal users. Surely there’s something better to say. Like this, perhaps.

Here’s a freebie, Obama.

MUSIC: "Star Spangled Banner" as covered by Marvin Gaye (if Nike hadn't beat you to it)

OPEN ON JESSIE OWENS STANDING ON THE PODIUM AT THE 1936 BERLIN GAMES ON THE GOLD PODIUM ABOVE THE GERMAN GUY THROWING THE NAZI SALUTE.

VO: There’s nothing our country can’t do.

CUT TO WILMA RUDOLPH AT THE 1960 ROME GAMES CROSSING THE FINISH LINE IN TRACK AND FIELD.

VO: Through sprained ankles,

CUT TO KERRI STRUG LANDING HER VAULT AT THE 1996 GAMES.

VO: and yet more sprained ankles,

CUT TO MARY LOU RETTON SCORING THE PERFECT 10 IN ’84.

VO: we have always reached beyond what was thought possible…

CUT BETWEEN CARL LEWIS AND HIS FOUR GOLDS IN ’84, MARK SPITZ WITH HIS SEVEN GOLDS IN ’76, AND MICHAEL PHELPS IN AthENS WITH HIS SIX MEDALS.

VO: to achieve greatness. To redefine greatness.

CUT TO MICHAEL PHELPS (WE ALL KNEW HE WAS GONNA DO IT) STANDING ON THE PODIUM AFTER WINNING HIS 8TH.

VO: This a great country. There is nothing we can’t do.

CUT TO SHOTS OF AVERAGE AMERICANS AT VARIOUS JOBS, GETTING IT DONE.

VO: So let’s do something great this November.

CUT TO SHOT OF BARACK OBAMA.


Something like that maybe. You get the idea.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Dude can swim



Wow.

Monday, August 11, 2008

We had a good run


Somewhere in London someone is totally going back to drawing board. And somewhere next to that drawing board is a trash can filled with whatever rinky-dink ideas they had for their opening ceremonies. 'Cause China cold buh-rought it Friday night! Good luck topping that, London. Unless John and George come back for a reunion show it's gonna be tough to top that spectacle.

I'm fairly certain that the display that China unleashed on us pretty much might have been the grandest (and most importantly, coolest) display ever put on by man. I mean, usually those things are like Disneyland on steroids with a bunch of furry things and swirly things all dancing to Celine Dion songs and talking about how we are one world or something before I inevitably change the channel. I've never say through probably 30 minutes of opening ceremonies in my life. Well, I don't think I missed a second of the LA olympics in '84. I was straight up obsessed with those.

But these opening ceremonies took it to a whole other level. The drummer guys, the glow in the dark drumsticks, the oar guys, the woodblock/movable type guys (holy crap), the light up suit people, the tai-chi guys, the frikkin' globe that came out of the floor, the fireworks, the Bird's Nest itself—are you kiddin' me? Speaking for all of us, I've never seen anything like it.

I told Whitney when it was over that we're moving there. The US had a good run but there's a new superpower in town and I wanna be a part of it.

Zai jian, bitches.

Not really. I had a thrila-killa three-day'er this weekend out here and I'm not going anywhere. More on that later but this was the view from our porch:

Friday, August 01, 2008

Hey, are those straws?


Is it just me or has old man McCain gone off the deep end? Two ads in as many days essentially complaining about how Barack is more popular? Desperate much? What are we voting for here, prom queen?

Stop being such a little bitch.

All you've done for a month now is bitch like some kind of old codger in his Barcalounger bellyachin' over how the American League now uses the DH. Just shut up and retire already you old bastard. No one likes you! At best they merely tolerate you because you're willing to support their warped agenda. Although I'm pretty sure the Hilton's ain't gonna be ponyin' up more cash for your cause after you sold out their daughter. Moses probably ain't too thrilled either. Probably not a good idea to get on his bad side. Dude parted the Red Sea, I'm just sayin'.

On a kinda/sorta related note I read some articles this morning about how Barack's weight may work against him in the election. He's too "healthy" it seems. He goes to the gym too much, eats too many veggies and not enough shit food. He's not enough like us. You know, those of us who have about as much chance of winning the presidency as cracking this little head-scratcher:

I'm told it requires a certain type of person is all I'm saying. Exceptional, even. Maybe even someone who doesn't look a whole lot like the people on our block out in the suburbs.

The consensus of the articles this morning seemed to be that since two-thirds of the country is fat and a solid third of it is what we like to call downright frikkin' enormous, there might be some resentment over the fact that Obama's thin. Well, this has just got "good result" written all over it. Glad to see we're voting with our waist....ooo, are those bear claws?

So let me get this straight. We're basically looking for someone who's as fat and underachieving as we are to run this show we call America? Really? Hell, while we're squandering our future, let's get someone really like us! Let's get someone who talks like us, all unintelligible-like. Someone who's never left the country! Someone who we say we'd like to have a beer with despite the fact they're a recovering alcoholic!

Oh wait, we already elected that guy. And just look where that got us!!!

McCain's someday gonna look back on these months as months he could have spent doing something more pleasant than getting his ass handed to him in glorious fashion. Hell, he could have even taken some of his wife's millions and gone to buy a suit somewhere besides the Men's Wearhouse. Just a thought.