Welcome to a new segment where everyone's favorite ex-alcoholic/Mormon/bi-polar/nutjob/loony/crybaby explains life's curiosities.
Today's topic: Why are puppies so darn cute?
Here's Glenn now!
Why are puppies so cute? I'll tell you why! Because to this patriot and the millions who believe everything I say despite the fact I have no journalistic credentials whatsoever, it's the last chance they've got. Without their cuteness, all hope is lost.
You see, under Obama's tyrannical plan being cute is the last chance they've got. Folks, this administration wants to eradicate puppies. That's right—yours, mine, your son's, your [he gets choked up] daughter's. Friends, these people want to outlaw puppies, simple as that. I just, [choked up again] I love puppies so much that [now outright crying] I fear for their future.
Why, just today these "people" have taken a puppy as their own and if what I'm hearing is correct, they'll soon kill it in a ritualistic manner on the south lawn. Just ask O'Reilly. Or Limbaugh. Or Jindal. Well, actually, don't ask him. He's kind of a pinhead and we don't tell him anything anyway.
It's time to [choked up] wake up, America. After they get your guns they're going after your puppies.
Dare I say, a Paw-locaust is coming. A Paw-Harbor. A [now lying on the floor, in fetal position] Terrier-attack unlike anything we've seen. A Weimaraner/11.
I urge you to come out tomorrow to one of our Fox-sponsored Tea Parties and protest this assault on puppies. Hell, it's no crazier than a "news" organization organizing and promoting a misguided protest against a tax system that has slowly but steadily shifted the burden of taxation further and further down onto people who (with the help of credit cards and home-equity loans, I guess) forgot they don't actually make much money and yet they're being taxed way
the fuck more than the people who actually have the wealth. On top of that, y'all are the same people who didn't bat an eye when we went out and spent a fuckload of money to "liberate" a country with no plan for what to do afterward. Apparently y'all will believe just about anything you hear on this network so have fun out there, suckers!
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!