Friday, May 28, 2010

The Greatest City in the World

Every once in a while you gotta stop and remember why you live here.

Thanks to Scott for unearthing this little gem.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Summa Donna

The weekend before last, some dudes and I rendezvoused out in Fort Collins for a bachelor party for my friend Jay who is getting married in a couple of weeks. It was a hell of a time filled with drinking and eating and even a little whitewater rafting. We tore that place up. Witness:

It also happened to be Colorado State’s graduation weekend. So, naturally, the folks at Colorado State University asked me to speak to the graduates. Probably because I’m one of the leading motivational speakers in the country. And I got mad public-speaking skills.

Here, printed as they were spoken, are the remarks I delivered to the Colorado State University graduating class of 2010:


Thank you, thank you, thank you. Alright, alright. Y’all need to pipe it down so I can drop some knowledge on ya. You finished? Good.

Graduates and residents of Fort Collins, we’ve only been here in your fair city about 24 hours now but I can tell there are a few things you clearly haven’t learned during your time here at CSU. So before we go handing out any paper, I’m gonna fill in the gaps. So listen up 'cause class just went back in session.

First and foremost, y’all need to simmer down something serious.

Drinking can be a lot of fun and all that but if it makes you get all angry and stuff you need to stop. Like now. I’m looking at all of you really. Y’all are what we call “problem drinkers.” In fact, you’re all cut off—the rest of the weekend. Party’s over.

Boo if you have to. Get it all out. There you go.

So far this weekend we’ve been yelled at from passing cars, antagonized in bars and threatened on sidewalks. Even your girls were spoiling for a fight. A carload of you drunks even yelled at us to “push the fucking button to cross the street” as we were waiting to get one of your non-existent taxis. Thanks for the tip there, dickweed. You know who you are.

Y'all have been up in our grill since we got here, just begging to get yourselves knocked out. From your crappy bars to your lame-o restaurants, it's been like one long shitshow. For the record, we could have gone anywhere. But no, we chose Fort Collins ‘cause we figured y’all would be laid back and cool and stuff like the smart kids in Boulder. I assure you, that has not been the case. Not by a long shot.

What’s worse, I feel like I can’t turn around in this town without bumping into someone who’s “opening a medical marijuana dispensary.” Yet there you are, still all aggro’d out and talking shit to us. So I tell you what, I’m gonna break with decades of hip-hop tradition and tell you to do something you should never do.

Get high off your own supply.

There, I said it. Weed might be the only thing that's gonna mellow you people out. Lord knows the booze is doing you no favors.

So go forth and be the best Enterprise Rent-a-Car management trainees you can be. Or regional sales rep trainees for Acer computers. Or move back into your parents’ basement. Just don’t go into tourism as I can assure you, it’s not in your skill set. Trust me.

However, if you only take away one thing from all of this, let it be this: it’s not our fault you all didn’t have the grades to get into Boulder. Oh snap! Yeah, I said it. You're a second rate institution. Suck it.

Who threw that? You wanna piece of this? Come on up! Ahhh!

Y’all stay off the sauce now, ya hear!

Peace, bitches! I'm out.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

This is Happening

About a month ago I lucked into a copy of the new LCD Soundsystem album. And for most of that time I’ve done two things: listen non-stop to it and try to figure out how best to sum it up. These are all the things I’ve thought could describe it:

This is a third album. This is the album where it all comes together. This is the album where instead of joke singing, James starts actually singing. Listen to “I can change.” Listen to “Home.” I heard that he started going back and listening to the pop albums of the 80's and adapting those singing styles for this one. I think they're right. This is a 1985 dance album. This is a dance album before they all got too self-conscious. This is a popsicle that instead of a joke has more popsicle. These are meticulously layered songs with every sound in the perfect place—nothing in the mix overwhelms anything else. Dude’s a studio wizard. This is the Hollywood Hills. This is summer music. The first night of summer. And the sun just went down. This is the album where he recreated the guitar set-up of David Bowie’s “Heroes” for “All I want.” With much patience. This is the sound of a man at the top of his game. This is a guy just killin' it. Veteran. This isn’t just a collection of one-offs. It's an album. And a good one.

This is LCD playing Jools Holland a couple weeks ago.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

Happy Mother's Day

A winner from the good folks at Wieden.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

God responds

From time to time there are going to be things that occur that are acts of God that cannot be prevented.” - Rick Perry, Governor of Texas (in reference to the whole gulf oil debacle)

Dear Rick,

Whoa, buster. Don’t you try to pin this thing on me. I'm like totally omniscient and stuff (that means all-knowing, FYI) so obviously if anyone knew this was gonna happen it was me. In all honesty, you people should have known too. Whatcha got there, a floating platform out in the middle of the ocean with thin pipes full of oil connected to the ocean floor thousands of feet below? Well gee, what could possibly go wrong, right?

Yeah, god did it. Nice one, pal.

Is this the thanks I get for giving you that head of hair? You’re just gonna throw me under the bus like that?

Who was it that told you to get a real education and not to go to that armpit of a school down there in College Station? Who told you not to go republican? Who told you that that whole "let's secede from the United States" stunt you pulled was a stupid move?

Me. That’s who.

And don’t look at me to clean that mess up either. That’s on y’all. And my son, Barack.

Oh, I've said too much. You never heard that. Gotta go.