Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Summa Donna

The weekend before last, some dudes and I rendezvoused out in Fort Collins for a bachelor party for my friend Jay who is getting married in a couple of weeks. It was a hell of a time filled with drinking and eating and even a little whitewater rafting. We tore that place up. Witness:

It also happened to be Colorado State’s graduation weekend. So, naturally, the folks at Colorado State University asked me to speak to the graduates. Probably because I’m one of the leading motivational speakers in the country. And I got mad public-speaking skills.

Here, printed as they were spoken, are the remarks I delivered to the Colorado State University graduating class of 2010:


Thank you, thank you, thank you. Alright, alright. Y’all need to pipe it down so I can drop some knowledge on ya. You finished? Good.

Graduates and residents of Fort Collins, we’ve only been here in your fair city about 24 hours now but I can tell there are a few things you clearly haven’t learned during your time here at CSU. So before we go handing out any paper, I’m gonna fill in the gaps. So listen up 'cause class just went back in session.

First and foremost, y’all need to simmer down something serious.

Drinking can be a lot of fun and all that but if it makes you get all angry and stuff you need to stop. Like now. I’m looking at all of you really. Y’all are what we call “problem drinkers.” In fact, you’re all cut off—the rest of the weekend. Party’s over.

Boo if you have to. Get it all out. There you go.

So far this weekend we’ve been yelled at from passing cars, antagonized in bars and threatened on sidewalks. Even your girls were spoiling for a fight. A carload of you drunks even yelled at us to “push the fucking button to cross the street” as we were waiting to get one of your non-existent taxis. Thanks for the tip there, dickweed. You know who you are.

Y'all have been up in our grill since we got here, just begging to get yourselves knocked out. From your crappy bars to your lame-o restaurants, it's been like one long shitshow. For the record, we could have gone anywhere. But no, we chose Fort Collins ‘cause we figured y’all would be laid back and cool and stuff like the smart kids in Boulder. I assure you, that has not been the case. Not by a long shot.

What’s worse, I feel like I can’t turn around in this town without bumping into someone who’s “opening a medical marijuana dispensary.” Yet there you are, still all aggro’d out and talking shit to us. So I tell you what, I’m gonna break with decades of hip-hop tradition and tell you to do something you should never do.

Get high off your own supply.

There, I said it. Weed might be the only thing that's gonna mellow you people out. Lord knows the booze is doing you no favors.

So go forth and be the best Enterprise Rent-a-Car management trainees you can be. Or regional sales rep trainees for Acer computers. Or move back into your parents’ basement. Just don’t go into tourism as I can assure you, it’s not in your skill set. Trust me.

However, if you only take away one thing from all of this, let it be this: it’s not our fault you all didn’t have the grades to get into Boulder. Oh snap! Yeah, I said it. You're a second rate institution. Suck it.

Who threw that? You wanna piece of this? Come on up! Ahhh!

Y’all stay off the sauce now, ya hear!

Peace, bitches! I'm out.


Blogger mccovert said...

I found that very inspiring. I plan to apply your insights to my medical herb practice opening next week in Greeley. I mean, Ft. Collins, right next to a Hunt. There's a gas station there just begging for some new business.

12:56 PM  
Blogger Howard said...

The saddest corner in the world.

3:53 PM  

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