Thursday, August 23, 2012

Beatin’ of the week


If you’ve been to a concert in the past five years you’ve seen them: asshats with their phones held up in the air. I don’t mean the “hey, let me snap a quick pic” types either. I’m talking about the weasels with their phones in the air trying to shoot a whole damn song.Yeah, we're dying to see the shaky, blaringly loud, vertically-oriented clip tomorrow. Can't wait!
Well this T-Mobile spot’s been out for a few weeks but pretty perfectly captures our apparent total inability to enjoy anything for the thing itself and not the sharing of said thing.


So a girl takes a video and then sends it to her friends at the same show? And then they all bust out their phones to actually watch the video of the show they’re at? Are you kidding me right now? And they look thrilled! Sure it's the super hot T-Mobile chick and all but still. 
I think this calls for a good old-fashioned sad-off between that one and this AT&T spot from earlier this year that I think was called “Two assholes on a lawn”:


You be the judge. 

Thursday, August 09, 2012

This pretty much sums it up

I stayed out of the whole dust up over the Chick-Fil-A thing a couple of weeks ago for a couple of reasons:

One, the kind of people who wait in lines to eat fast food to reward a business for intolerant views aren't likely to be swayed no matter what is said so just let 'em go.

And two, we ain't got Chick-Fil-A in New York so all this talk about them just makes me hungry for something I can't get. (Editors note: I love myself that spicy chicken sandwich. Or the original. I don't judge. There's a little lesson for ya!)

But then the other day I was cruising the ol' Facebook and saw something one of my high school "friends" had posted that was so unaware and so idiotic, I had to grab it and show it you good people.

Behold:
See what she did there? 
Apparently her anniversary to her super duper husband was July 31st. Then the next day, on August 1st, she took her kids to Chick-Fil-A to teach them a little lesson on how no one who's born attracted to the same sex should ever be allowed to experience the kind of happiness she did. 
She probably hid it behind it being "unnatural" or whatever but what her and all those other self-righteous people are really saying is you don't get to share your life with someone you love the way I get to. You'll just have to live without someone to wake up next to every morning. You don't get to travel the world with someone or experience the joy of raising children together or be able to be there when one of you is dying in a hospital room. The person you love most, with whom you spent your entire life isn't legally able to be there when you need them most. And you don't get to experience what it feels like to walk into a party and hear everyone you love shout "they're here!" 
What they're saying is that true happiness—the kind that comes from sharing your life with someone you truly love—is reserved for those of us who chose to be attracted to the opposite sex. 
I get it. Sure, what gay people do in the privacy of their own homes—well let's be honest, more likely their sweet-ass loft apartment downtown—might seem icky to you. But isn't what all other people do kind of icky? 
Think about your boss or the organist at church or your dry cleaner or that guy at the gas station. Think about them getting it on with their spouse. Pretty gross, right? I'll admit that the thought of all those people lined up at Chick-Fil-A having sex makes me a little woozy. It's not like all straight sex is Brad and Angelina and all gay sex is two Paul Giamiti's. We're all a little gross. 
But then there's always the silver bullet: "it's in the Bible." A lot of stuff is in the Bible. Also, a lot of beautiful stuff didn't make it in the Bible. Stuff like the Rocky Mountains, the curve of the Pacific Coast at sunset, the Beatles, the house you grew up in, your first kiss, Mexican food, refrigerated beer, seat warmers, high-speed quad lift chairs, the Sea Ray 270 SLX, and New York City. 
The point is, Facebook was cooler back in 2007 when people like her were still just forwarding emails. 

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

Olympic Jungle Gym

I've been watching a ton of Olympics the past couple of weeks in between marveling at that precious little jockey, Bob Costas. We've seen some swimming, some running, some gymnastics, some rowing and some volleyball but there's one thing we haven't seen:

Olympic Jungle Gym

This guy's got a hunger for gold. Do you? 

Think about it. Then look at that kid up there for second. Look at the fire in his eyes. You wanna be the one to tell him it's all just for play? You wanna be the one to extinguish his dream of sticking it to the Chinese with a routine for the ages?

I don't.

That's why I'd watch the hell out of some Olympic Jungle Gym.

Now I ain't talking about some kiddie playground model either. I'm talking about grown-ass adults gettin' straight up loose on a legit jungle gym—a big one. We're talking like 20 feet high, 30 foot across. And not just some yahoos either—elite athletes swinging crazy all up underneath it, over the top of it, probably throwing some sweet-ass combinations and pikes and scissor kicks and stuff—it'd be like thunderdome up in that piece. And maybe instead of one person in there, there's two people just going nuts like those motorcycle-of-death people at the circus. Or hell, maybe two teams are going at it at the same time, just limbs swinging wildly in a battle to the gold. I don't know. I haven't met with the IOC yet but trust me when I say a sixer and a full night of Olympics coverage can lead to a pretty fair amount of creativity when it comes to conjuring up a new sport.

Think it over, America. If you love high flying action and childhood playground apparati, you'll love Olympic Jungle Gym.

Besides, it's not any dumber than floor exercise or that dancing with a ribbon shit they do.