Ripping On, Volume 1: Florida
This is a new segment I’m launching called “Ripping On” where I take Facebook images that kind of sum up states or cities or whole regions and then mercilessly stereotype whole swaths of people for your enjoyment. I should add, all images are real, real recent. Like 2013 recent.
With that, I give you a bar in Florida.
Oh, Florida. Where to start?
In the foreground we got Methy-Redbeard in the “Border Patrol” shirt and high jeans. Going home with him would almost certainly involve a crawlspace. What horrors he’s seen we don’t know but he’s seen some. And something tells me he’s no stranger to a sunburn.
Immediately behind him we got a girl in a shirt that’s been adorned with duct tape. Don’t let anyone tell you the art in Florida sucks.
To the right of Redbeard is Untucked-Fancy-Shirt-Hair-Gel-Guy. Always a mainstay in any nighttime establishment.
To the left of Redbeard we got Guy-in-Knock-off-True-Religions-With-a-Cell-Phone-on-His-Belt. No way you spend more than ten minutes with that guy without hearing the words “timeshare” or “you into Limp Bizkit?”
To the left of him we got Out-of-Shape-Hole-in-Jeans-Holding-a-Leather-Hat-Guy. Hard to say which, but this guy totally just walked in from either the Hoarde Fest or Lilith Faire.
And “Go Boys Saloon?” What the fuck kind of name is that?
Florida. You truly are America’s weiner.