Wednesday, April 09, 2014

A Good Fit

There were many boxes on the shelves that day. But I chose you. With high hopes for a future full of exercise, I chose you. 
And I have failed you, FitBit. 
I took you home and after I set you up I lashed you to my arm. The adventures we would have, I thought. I remember it like it was only a month ago. Because it was. 
I know that first day when we got sucked into the Teen Mom 2 marathon wasn’t our finest hour(s) but you and I both know that Jenelle is just pure white trash and, well, she does make for pretty captivating television. So, my bad there. But you really do wonder is she ever going to get it together? She’s got bad taste in men, apparently knows nothing about contraception and has no life skills to speak of. And that mom of hers! Stop coddling the child and maybe she’ll fend for herself! But no, there she is bailing her out of jail and credit problems and, well, motherhood. You and I both know she’s hopeless. But on the bright side, we logged 39 steps to the kitchen and bathroom over the course of that afternoon/evening so not a total loss. 
The morning of day two you informed me I’d not slept well. You and I both know I had a lot on my mind, what with knowing you were watching me and all. It’s a lot of pressure to sleep while being recorded. And yes, I was also wondering if that creepy boyfriend of Jenelle’s was going to show his face again. You know that guy is bad news with a capital B-N. But once we were up it was off to the races, wasn’t it? I laced up my new sneakers and we hit the streets. We made it two blocks before we ran into Donna and her kids but once I mentioned you and we began talking about the radical health changes you were helping me make, well, my heart rate had plummeted and frankly I didn’t feel it was safe to go revving it up again. So 187 running steps, 324 walking back home. Progress was made regardless of what you showed in your little “app.” Speaking of apps, I took you off that night when I devoured that plate of Bagel Bites, so you don’t know everything Mr. Smarty Wrist Thing. 
Day three was a breakthrough in the sleep department as I logged a solid 13 hours, sleeping until just a shade after noon. Guess all that exercise really did have positive effects! Given that it was a shortened day I’m not beating myself up too much over the fact we only logged 129 steps before I got into it with Gladys on Facebook. But who does she think she is posting something about “being present and not just staring at our phones” to Facebook? YOU’RE STARING AT FACEBOOK, GLADYS! Did she not see the irony in that? And people were actually “liking” it! Who are these people! I will suffer many things but not Facebook unawareness. I keep it real. Just ask Gladys. Yes, to decompress I did watch that Lifetime movie but you have to admit that husband could not have been more creepy. With the plaids and the corduroy all the time? In the summer? How did she not realize he was going to kill her? And who keeps that many swords around who’s not a samurai or a teenage boy. The signs were all there, girlfriend. She had it coming if you ask me. 
I don’t have enough fists to beat myself up over that day I forgot to wear you to Curves. Damn it. I was on that treadmill for easily 40 minutes, FitBit. 40 minutes. Was the last 15 spent chatting with Barbara? Yes, but was I on it? Yes. So it counts. And let’s not forget that I also lifted a couple of those heavy basketballs while trying to figure out why someone would make sports balls you can’t throw. That counts too. Had I worn you, you would know. 
A lot of what happened the rest of that week is a bit of a blur. Mainly because I realized that by never opening the app I was no longer subjected to your merciless critiques. I could simply bask in strangers’ admiration for my futuristic wearable exercise tech. If you could measure the amount of time I spent talking about you I’d be Lance Armstrong. Before he cheated. Or while he cheated but I guess but not the drugs part. You know what I mean. 
Now, the remaining weeks were a challenge for everyone. Who could have seen Cathy’s accident coming? Certainly not Cathy or she wouldn’t have been out walking at that hour. What was she thinking? She doesn’t even own a FitBit! Now, they say raccoons are more scared of you then you are of them. Well that one must have been pretty spooked ‘cause it leapt right up on her face and went to town, scratching like she was a garbage can full of cat food on the back porch. Poor thing. I didn’t have much choice than to tend to her wounds because lord knows that deadbeat husband of hers, Kenneth, wasn’t around. What that man does for a living, I have no idea. Does poster-board even need a salesman? How many class projects and ball games are there? Buy it or don’t, I say. 
I’m not saying I blame Cathy’s gnarled face but things might have ended differently if I could have focused on my exercise. Was it necessary for me to be there for the two whole weeks? It didn’t didn’t help that Teen Mom 3 came out during that time. And it appears Jenelle has made zero progress with parenting or her life. Sad, really. 
So I know neither of us reached our goals, FitBit. And I know I failed you. But I still like wearing you and talking about you. You make me feel like a fit person and when you think about it isn’t that why I bought you in the first place? 


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