Wednesday, September 03, 2014

This is Going to be the Best Damn Kids Party Ever

Our little Tyler is turning four on Saturday so you know what that means: I’m getting ready to throw the best damn kids party that Pine Oaks has ever seen. Sure, the Harrisons threw one hell of whopper last year for that little bastard Kyle but this shindig is going to make that little get together look like a wake.

Will there be a bouncy house? You bet your sweet party favors there will be. And we’re not talking about some little rubber box here either. We’re talking a Great Castles of Europe-caliber bouncy house with parapets and flying buttresses and gargoyles. Better bring a spare mind ‘cause your kid’s gonna lose his up in that thing.

How will your kid get to the bouncy castle? Well how ‘bout they just hop aboard one of the hundreds of ponies that are gonna be roaming all over this piece. Black ones, brown ones, white ones, Shetlands, you name it. Hope you’re ready to saddle up ‘cause I’m not gonna stop procuring ponies until this thing is a full-on ponypalooza.

What’s that, you wanna pet something? Well then just hitch a pony ride over to the petting zoo where you can pet to your little four-year old heart’s content everything from a salamander to a shih tzu. You’re gonna feel like Steve Irwin up in that zoo.  Only when he was still alive, more alive than four year-old should ever feel. You're gonna wish you had an extra set of hands there's gonna be so much fur to be petted.

But what’s a birthday blowout without a balloon animal station? Not a soiree I’m throwing, I’ll tell you that much. Name an animal—real or fictional—and none other than the Michaelangelo of balloons, Miguel Espinosa, will make it for you. Welcome to the jungle, kids! Tell ya what, why don’t you go ahead and get your face painted too because we’re also gonna have the Picasso of Pine Oaks himself, Jeff Robertson, straight up transforming faces. Get you that tiger face you’ve been wanting, son.

And don’t think I’m gonna just book some little kids band to play this thing. Ah , hell no. You can keep the Wiggles ‘cause I’m straight up booking DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince. That’s right, Will m-fin’ Smith. And Jazzy Jeff. Get ready to get jiggy with it, kids. Looks like parents do understand after all, huh?

Hope you’re ready to get that cake too ‘cause I got a Freedom Tower of a cake coming. Thing’s so tall I had to secure a building permit for it.

And you best bring your SUV because we’re gonna send you home with so many party favors it’s gonna be like the gifting room at the Oscars come Saturday afternoon at this place.
If you’re thinking this is just some little celebration of young Tyler’s life, think again. This is full on thermo-nuclear showmanship. Fact is, I’ve hit it big and you’re gonna know it when you get smacked in the face by decorations your little mind can't even process. You’re gonna feel so inadequate you won’t begin to know where your life went wrong.

Two quick notes: gifts are mandatory as hell and show up on time ‘cause this thing is costing me a bundle.

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