Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Gather Around, Gang.

Hey everybody, thanks for coming together on such short notice. I’ll try to keep this short as I know you’re all busy. Well, that’s actually what I’m here to talk to you about. I had Steve from IT pull all of our internet search histories and frankly, it’s shocking.
“Thanks a lot, asshole!” 
Take it easy, Glen. Steve’s just doing his job. Besides I don’t know specifically who searched for what I just know that if we got paid for internet searches we’d all be sipping on goddamned blender drinks somewhere warm right now. I swear, in my 37 years of doing this I’ve never seen a more blatant misuse of company resources. And that includes the bubble wrap incident of 1997. Those of you that were here then remember that debacle. 
Now, I have here in my hand all the searches that took place yesterday. Literally just yesterday. One day. One goddamned day. So without any further adieu, let me take you all through a brief sampling real quick:
“Simple grilled cheese recipes.” Really? Cheese, bread, you grill it. Not simple enough for ya? 
“Tila Tequila tattoos.” That’s just gross. You’re going to give our computers AID’s. 
“Godfather III quotes.” That was the worst one of the entire series, by the way. 
“Mexican jumping beans.”  Wow. 
“Neve Campbell.” These are searches from yesterday not 1997, just so we’re clear. 
“Champagne hangover cure.”  Real first world problem there. 
“Best sandwich in Cleveland.” Is someone thinking of making the two-day drive up there for lunch some day? FYI, the best sandwich in Cleveland is the Steak by the Lake at Rick’s. That sumbitch is a culinary masterpiece. Total dump of a town though. Just god awful. 
“Go-go’s setlist, Daytona ’83.” I literally can’t make this stuff up. 
“Interior photos of Braniff Airlines 747.” Classic airline, classic plane. Whose search was that? No hands? No one’s gonna own up to having frikkin’ awesome taste in airlines? Fine. 
“Will there be a Sharknado 3?” Even more disturbing than that search is that someone who works here still types their searches in as actual questions. Doris, that’s gotta be you. Surprised you didn’t just write that one in to Parade Magazine. 
“Gangnam Style video.” Right, because you didn’t already watch it a hundred times in 2011. 
“Machoo Pikachoo.” Talk about your lost civilization. 
“End of Blair Witch Project.” Spoiler alert, it’s all faked. 
“Zapruder film.” That was a dark day in our history, you should be ashamed, whoever searched that.  
“Indian reservation cigarettes.” Obviously that was one was Kevin. 
“What does bae stand for?” I’ll tell you what it stands for, it stands for better get your resume together. 
You know what, I’m just going to stop there. You know, I’m old enough to remember when all you had on your desk was a telephone. Literally a telephone. You people have no idea. You wanted to waste some time you made what we used to call a “personal call.” Can you imagine that? Don’t believe me? Go ahead, Google it. On second thought, don’t. Just try to do some gosh darn work. The kind you get a paycheck every two weeks for.