Monday, September 22, 2014

Meet us Halfway

Quick question for you, Chinese kids of the 80’s: where were you?

We were out there digging like hell to try to reach you and I think we have a right to know what the heck were you doing? Were y’all even digging? Did you even try to reach us? The more I think about it, the more burned I get.

How cool would it have been to tunnel through and see each other? Think about it. We’d have been super psyched! Now stop thinking about it because it’s too painful to think about, at least on this side of the world. Mainly because you didn’t hold up your end of the deal, Chinese kids of the 80’s. 

I won’t even get into the huge risks we were facing trying to dig down straight through the earth. Hot lava, caves, whatever the earth’s core is made of, the devil himself. We were facing unspeakable dangers, Chinese kids of the 80’s. And yet we still dug. Day in and day out, we dug. Maybe we were naïve. Maybe it was our American can-do attitude. Maybe it was severe boredom due to the Xbox still being 15 years away. Whatever it was, we never stopped digging to reach you.

Now, just for a second imagine if just one of you had taken it upon yourself to dig toward us. I don’t remember exactly how deep we got but a couple times the earth got pretty chilly so we had to have been pretty close. Sure, technically the earth would need to get really hot for us to actually be close but it felt like any minute we’d see one of you upside down in our hole. Man, we got close. But we’d have been a lot closer if one of the literally one billion of you had gotten off your duff and helped dig a little. Was that too much to ask? I mean, really.

Put away the shovels, guys. It’s too late now so don’t even bother. But there was a solid five-year window from like 82’-‘87 where we could have made it happen. Really would have been cool to have met you guys.

Bet we could have shared some cool stories.

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

This is Going to be the Best Damn Kids Party Ever

Our little Tyler is turning four on Saturday so you know what that means: I’m getting ready to throw the best damn kids party that Pine Oaks has ever seen. Sure, the Harrisons threw one hell of whopper last year for that little bastard Kyle but this shindig is going to make that little get together look like a wake.

Will there be a bouncy house? You bet your sweet party favors there will be. And we’re not talking about some little rubber box here either. We’re talking a Great Castles of Europe-caliber bouncy house with parapets and flying buttresses and gargoyles. Better bring a spare mind ‘cause your kid’s gonna lose his up in that thing.

How will your kid get to the bouncy castle? Well how ‘bout they just hop aboard one of the hundreds of ponies that are gonna be roaming all over this piece. Black ones, brown ones, white ones, Shetlands, you name it. Hope you’re ready to saddle up ‘cause I’m not gonna stop procuring ponies until this thing is a full-on ponypalooza.

What’s that, you wanna pet something? Well then just hitch a pony ride over to the petting zoo where you can pet to your little four-year old heart’s content everything from a salamander to a shih tzu. You’re gonna feel like Steve Irwin up in that zoo.  Only when he was still alive, more alive than four year-old should ever feel. You're gonna wish you had an extra set of hands there's gonna be so much fur to be petted.

But what’s a birthday blowout without a balloon animal station? Not a soiree I’m throwing, I’ll tell you that much. Name an animal—real or fictional—and none other than the Michaelangelo of balloons, Miguel Espinosa, will make it for you. Welcome to the jungle, kids! Tell ya what, why don’t you go ahead and get your face painted too because we’re also gonna have the Picasso of Pine Oaks himself, Jeff Robertson, straight up transforming faces. Get you that tiger face you’ve been wanting, son.

And don’t think I’m gonna just book some little kids band to play this thing. Ah , hell no. You can keep the Wiggles ‘cause I’m straight up booking DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince. That’s right, Will m-fin’ Smith. And Jazzy Jeff. Get ready to get jiggy with it, kids. Looks like parents do understand after all, huh?

Hope you’re ready to get that cake too ‘cause I got a Freedom Tower of a cake coming. Thing’s so tall I had to secure a building permit for it.

And you best bring your SUV because we’re gonna send you home with so many party favors it’s gonna be like the gifting room at the Oscars come Saturday afternoon at this place.
If you’re thinking this is just some little celebration of young Tyler’s life, think again. This is full on thermo-nuclear showmanship. Fact is, I’ve hit it big and you’re gonna know it when you get smacked in the face by decorations your little mind can't even process. You’re gonna feel so inadequate you won’t begin to know where your life went wrong.

Two quick notes: gifts are mandatory as hell and show up on time ‘cause this thing is costing me a bundle.